Five Girls You'll Be Forced to Tolerate In College

1. The “I only hang out with guys because I hate dealing with drama” girl.

Umm… I’m sorry… but what? First of all, there is no valid excuse for us strong ass women to still be spitting this phrase out EVER. And if you are, you need to seriously reevaluate your life. Maybe you like to pretend that you’re "one of the guys"… But let’s be serious – You look ridiculous and we can all see right through you. I understand hanging with the guys to play video games or even catch a football game here and there but there is zero comparison to closeness of sisterhood. If you find yourself constantly having trouble getting along with other females then maybe it’s time to look in the mirror. Will your best guy pal wipe your tears and tell you you’re fabulous when you’re having boy troubles? Will he let you borrow a tampon when you forgot to throw one in your purse before class? Will he watch chick flicks with you while gulping down cheap bottles of red wine? Will he let you borrow his clothes? Will he REALLY tell you if your ass looks terrible in those jeans? Exactly. I rest my case. So if you’re still using this line because you “hate drama SOOOO much” then maybe you should move to a deserted island all by yourself. Because there will always be “drama” no matter who is in your friend group, girlfriend.

2. The “nothing phases me because I’m so0o0o chill” girl.

So this girl knows how to keep her emotions in check. Who can’t respect a woman like that? But the girl who claims nothing bothers her because she ain’t worried ‘bout nothin’ is not entirely realistic. These females deserve an academy award for acting like they give zero f*cks. But we ALL know that there is no way in hell she’s feeling cool as a cucumber at all times of the day. Do you seriously think we don’t see the steam coming out of your ears when sh*t goes down? There is nothing wrong with, oh, I don’t know, being a human being and having normal emotions. You’re not fooling anyone; YOU FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY. And the beauty is, there is not a damn thing wrong with that – so own it. It’s ok to drop the poker face and show some type of reaction even if it interferes with your “super chiiiiilllllll” persona. You’re not better than anyone else just because you can keep a straight face so sit the F down. Acting like nothing phases you is not only creepy but also poses the question of what is actually worthy of your attention. If you’re one of these girls – Please stop, you look like a Furby.

3. The “closet freek-a-leek” girl.

This girl probably rocks bows and always has her nails painted a pretty rose-petal pink. Some adjectives you would use to describe her when you first meet her are: sweet, adorable or innocent. Most of the responses to her comments are “awww’” or “you’re sooo cute!” This girl pretends she has the virtues of a nun. A NUN WITH A HOT PINK G-STRING. Come on girl, we know you get jiggy with it. Oh, you’re going to formal with that guy you’ve never mentioned? But that other guy asked you on a date and you’re too nice to decline? And now this other guy is calling you baby and buying you jägerbombs and you don’t know why? And your ex-boyfriend is calling you every night because you guys are still so close? Cha-ching. This innocent little sweetheart is actually a down low hoe-fo-sho. What is our actual issue with these particular females? Do we look down upon their excessive sexual acts? Do we think they’re fake? Are we secretly jealous? Who knows. All we know is this little angel secretly gets her freak on. As long as your man isn’t one of her targets, there ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump n grind – but don’t be scared to own up to it.

4. The “BFF to Stranger in 24 hours” girl.

So you’re standing in line hoping to be the next one to catch the bartender’s attention so you can enjoy your second pitcher of Adios Motherf*cker. You finally place your order and OMG! The extremely chipper girl next to you LOVES Adios Motherf*ckers too! NO WAY JOSE. You’re both Psychology majors? AHH. You love Pomeranians and as soon as you move out of your parent’s homes you’re both getting one?! TWINNING. Now you have to pee and you’re laughing hysterically while passing each other toilet paper because one of the stalls is missing a roll. Next thing you know, you’re grinding on each other, pitchers in the air, screaming Drunk In Love at the top of your lungs. You exchange phone numbers and put each other’s names as an inside joke you’ve made that night when it’s time to head home. You hug and promise to hang out the upcoming weekend. The next day you’re walking to class, still on the struggle bus from the night before. Wait… is that who I think it is?! Oh… do I look different or something? Did she forget to put her contacts in? Was there dirt in her eye? Does she have an identical twin? No. Your new BFF didn’t say hi because she “didn’t see you.” Awkward? Yes. Do you really care? No.

5. The girl who’s a little “too friendly” with your boyfriend.

Ugh. Why don’t all of these annoying biznatches take their stank asses someplace else? I am a confident woman, I don’t mind if you hug my man to say hello. You guys are friends so obviously small talk is no biggie. Ok, why are you giggling like one of those creepy ass Elmo dolls? Oh, you want to hug him again because he’s SUCH a goooood friend? I will kill you. Just kidding. Ladies, keep your composure and recognize that these attention-seeking suckers epitomize DESPERATE. Most times this is the girl who tries to be cool with everyone but has no legitimate friends. She’s probably hooked up with a guy who had a girlfriend because she “didn’t know” he wasn’t single. She’s also probably the girl who will start the wall twerking competition out of nowhere. I know she’s annoying AF but do not, I repeat, DO NOT, cause a scene/try and fight her. Because classy girls don’t fight or create problems in public places over desperate hoes. And she would probably reach for your bellybutton ring like the ratchet she is. Just forget it, keep your cool, and laugh… in her face.